I Miss You, You, and You...

The 1^st you:

There stands a not so tall-warm eyes-nice buts-good sense of humor-not so handy man who always text me every single morning with exactly the same ‘have a nice working day and don’t forget your vitamins’ messages, looks like a cute koala when he sleeps. He who always gets on my nerves whenever I call him to share my stories since he always cut my line up with his own bunch of stories. He who creatively find millions of reasons to disagree with my decision of leaving and replace my position as his daughter with a cute puppy. He who always needs to pee before leaving home for any reasons. He who never hugs or hold my hand whenever we cross the street. He who thinks that a man would never get old. He who I love the most. He who loves me a lot. He who always stands on my back and always is there whenever I need anything. Him to whom I call Dad.

The 2^nd you:

If I’m asked to give name to a creature who:

1.    Never stops talking

2.    Is hygiene freak

3.    Have a really amusing sound of laughing

4.    Needs to summon 600 times about exactly one damn same instruction

5.    Own extra ordinary power to still yell at anything even after cleaning the house for like million times

6.    Could easily make friends with anyone she meet

7.    Comments a lot

8.    Always say ‘I’m fine’ even when she’s not

9.    Is the truest friend you could ever had

10. Become a place to seek when you disagree with your Dad.

I would name it a mom. I would name it MY mom.

The 3^rd you:

We share the same Mom and Dad, we also share the same first name, but we are sharing nothing else in common. We’re not twins. She’s 5 years younger than I am. She’s diligent, I’m not. She’s pretty, and I’m prettier :p - She picks black for her nail polish, I choose transparent. She’s enjoying wearing miniskirts and shorts; I am struggling to enjoy it. She’s clumsy, I’m not –I’m not right?–. She choose skulls miniature for her earring and I prefer something simple. She’s funny and I’m funnier –this is my blog, so please just shut up–; under the Chinese zodiac I am a mouse and she is a snake (I am the prey and she’s the predator - IMAGINE THAT!!!); she always brighten my gloomy days with her own ways.

So I spent this Christmas without these creatures called family and it was miserable. I didn’t hear laugh – not even mine–. I didn’t eat Christmas cookies – as an AT ALL –. I didn’t taste my mom’s Christmas dish. I didn’t get my dad’s Christmas bear hug. I miss you all so damn much.

xoxo                                                                            



Maria

I Thought I'm Great

Q : Do I speak good English?

A : Yes I do think so.

Q : Do I laugh when someone misspell words in English?

A : It’s a must!

Q : Is there someone thinking that I don’t have good English?

A : Only if they’re deft and illiterate

Q : Biggest compliment I’ve ever had for my English

A : Have you’ve been living abroad? You sound like someone who’s been abroad.

Q : Have I written something in English?

A : Just this blog

Q : Have I read books in English?

A : Took me decades to just finish one chapter.

Q : Will I always speak English fluently in front of people?

A : Those English words are suddenly find its way out and left my brain empty.

So I do love English and other languages, everybody knows that –at least almost everybody– I always thought my English is superb. Until last month. I shifted to a totally brand new chapter in my life. Met totally brand new faces and stories. Spends almost every weekend with a family who’s one step ahead in knowledge. They read good books in English. They absorb any information which is happening in any part of this world. And they love to discuss about it during meals, and sometimes in English. And me? Just happen to be in the middle of the meals but unfortunately not in the middle of the discussion. Thank God I’m still armed by a way out which is ‘nod your head even when you found them speaking Mars’.

This is madness!!!

Have you caught yourself in the middle of a situation where you think you are the MAN but you’re not? It sucks isn’t it? Worse than when you have to wear a very uncomfortable fabric for your underwear.

Not to mention that COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO –you’ll soon find out why I type this in capital– one of my co-workers ask me to do a favor for him to check out some of his English pre-test or so called pre-test. And I spent 2 damn weeks to only finish 60 questions about grammar and friends –now you know why I typed it in capital– that was even longer than when my cousin's planning her wedding. I even found difficulties on how to use a simple past tense. How jerk was that?

Really…really…really…and I mean really need help for this. Surely this blog is one of the help I have. Reading words in English loudly also helps. Swearing in English doesn’t help that much but it’s purifying your soul -so what the heck?!?-. Have a conversation with myself in English always been the greatest help I have at every moment.

Let’s deliver some prayer so I’m still able to say the difference between the words ‘three’ and ‘tree’ in two months from now. As the wise man said “An idle brain is the devil's workshop” – no, that proverb has nothing to do with the story, I just love it.

Anyway, just always think that there will always someone who’s better than you are then it will keep you humble, so now I know even though I always thought I’m great, but the fact is I’m not.

I’m just good.

Maria

[STILL] Dangerously in Love

This was neither an overnight thinking nor an overnight decision. It was years of process that unfortunately came with this conclusion. We broke up. There are no us anymore. Yes…I’m talking about the same man I wrote on my previous post. We gave up. And that’s when I start walking on my gloomy days.

Day 1 and Day 2 :

Spend two nights on my girlfriends’ house. Have a little chit chat about my broken heart. A bit tears. Another tears on my sleep. But I am fine –at least I thought I am fine–

Day 3 :

Back home to my empty room and the pain already find its gut to start crawl over my skin.

Day 4 :

It was Sunday as I recall. And just stare at my un-ringing phone for the whole 24 hours.

Day 5 :

First day to office –or so called office– facing everyone with empty smile.

Day 6 :

Call my Dad to share the whole story.

Day 7 :

Still no news from him.

Day 8 :

S**t sweep right through my life and realize more than ever that he’s the only one I had to calm me down when I get hysterical about something.

Day 9 :

Get furious to him, since I’m always there whenever he needs me. I am under the biggest burden ever, and I don’t have his arms to hold me and his fingers to run through my hair anymore.

Day 10 :

Have a goodbye rafting with my friends and had almost lot of fun.

Day 11 :

*Damn!! Need to change my passwords into a NON-HIM passwords..

Day 12 :

Dying to pick up my phone to say ‘how are you today?’.

Day 13 :

Erasing every marks on my calendar that says “ANNIVERSARY”, “DINNER FOR CHRISTMAS”, “BEER TO SPARK OUR NEW YEAR’S EVE RESOLUTION”, “HIS BIRTHDAY SURPRISE PARTY”, “HIS MOM’S BIRTHDAY”, “PARTY AT HIS PLACE”, “PICKING HIM UP AT THE AIRPORT”, etc, etc.

Day 14 :

Decide to find new calendar since too many marks to erase.

Day 15 :

Recall every memory I share with him in everything I see.

Day 16 :

Packing for the moving, and spend hours to decide whether I should bring stuff he gave me or not. And it really did hurt.

Day 17 :

I move to a brand new place and suppose to have a brand new start for everything yet after hours of thinking I still bring the memories and his presents with me.

Day 18 :

One of my girlfriends is legally dating someone new. Good for her. Not too good for me.

Day 19 :

He calls!!

Day 20 :

He’s having a great time with his family. It hurts so bad that I can’t even breathe knowing that I’m not part of his life anymore.

Day 21 :

My mom and dad bought me some stuff to accessorize my new place for living, and the color of every stuff they bought is accidentally green. –green is his favorite color, and I’m in the stage of trying to put that color outside of my mind–

Day 22 :

Got a message from his sister to stay away from his life for his own sake. Then I realize that he was or still is the center of my universe.

Day 23 :

Reading books about letting go, and find that it’s just bunch bull s**t.

Day 24 :

My cousin’s wedding. Not really a great place to be at when your heart is not in a good shape.

Day 25 :

He is enjoying life. Having a nice picnic with his family and friends. And I’m happy for him.

Day 26 :

Miss him like crazy that I can’t even control my tears. I cry on my mom’s lap. And realize it’s been years since the last time I have my mom’s hands to rub my back.

Day 27 :

My best friend sends me delicious pictures to cheer me up.

Day 28 :

John Mayer’s When You’re Dreaming with a Broken Heart is played at the place I work. What a not so good coincidence.

Day 29 :

Reading THE books about letting go again and starts to learn to let go.

Today :

Just read one of his statuses on a social network “I’ll always there. For her” and I burst into tears. And realize I haven’t got a chance to cry cats and dogs about my break up.

So it’s been a month - and STILL…I want to look into his deep eyes - and doing nothing - and just feel home.

Maria