There's a Scream Inside that We All Try to Hide

Humans. We live in boxes we create. Full of different sugar and spices. What you have inside your box will be totally different from the others. While the differences between your box and the other might cause you an excitement, but it could also brings terror for the other ingredients inside those two boxes.

Tribes, skin color, languages, worries, THE future, religion, society, family, job, educational background, money, and even just where to go for dinner is definitely things you should think systematically. Being an adult sucks isn't it? Lots. And I mean lots of things you should think through within every steps you take.

And so I met someone in a very unexpected time. He is alright. Big hearted man. Saved me from wrecks I caused in my past. Or not. Not so sure about this one. Since he drag me out of the chaos I've caught by from my previous relationship into his wide arms where it is also containing the exact ingredients of a relationship disaster. ha...ha... Religion. Same old story. Different casts. Might be transformed into same old mistake that also have same old blur ending.

It's just that he somehow. I don't know how. Have the power to calm me down whenever I've gone ballistic about anything whatsoever like I always did before.

So now we are crazy about each other. Dangerously in love. I forgot when was the last time I can't being apart from someone more than couples of hour (I am exaggerating, but I do feel weird when he is out of my sight). I just literally can't take my eyes off of him. I like catching him driving his car on the corner of my eyes from the passenger seat. I like seeing him watching TV, working on his computer, buying groceries, finishing his hair do, or even when he's just doing dishes. I am totally enjoying watching him talking, smiling, giggling at his own stupid mistake. And I love looking at his eyes when they're looking back at me.

For now I just wont trade my time into something else other than this. It is somehow warm my heart in it's own way. To wrap everything up let's just say he makes my Mondays feel like Fridays (being in love is the time to be absurd and it is still totally fine) :p

Whether this is a good thing or a bad one, the fact that I know for sure right now is that I am happy. And I have back my long lost goodnight sleep.

I surely have zillion feelings that I actually wanna let it out. I wanna shout out love, fear, sadness, but mostly happiness.

This journey might ended up ugly or sweet. We don't know. No one knows. Now we're just trying to be better as a person. For you can't complete anyone else when you are not a solid soul yourself. We're just trying following the lead. And for now, my lead is putting my steps next to his (I am seriously crossing my fingers while typing this)

- m -

What the Heck?!?

People come and go. Some stay but most of them go. All of them put a step in your life for a specific kind of reason. Some to hurt you, but most to cheer you up. Some to leave scars, but most to carve warmth in your heart. But definitely all of them came to create memories. Whether it contains tears or smile.

It's amazing what a year could bring. A lover is not a lover anymore. Even an enemy is not a so enemy anymore. And you. Don't seem yourself anymore. Suddenly you are transformed into something else. Doing things you used to hate. Leaving things you used to love. Neglect people who care about you. And paying too much attention into people who won’t even jump a puddle for you.

After all that's what we all call life or should I say my life. You really can't predict what will happen tomorrow. What conversation you will have. No matter how much you practice it the day before. It will end up totally different.

And friends…or so called friends are something you really need to dig deeper than you should. They. Are the people they think they know who you are. But guess what? They don’t. Just put that doctrine inside your head. That when someone who called them self your friend call you stingy for yourself, you don’t have to sweat onto it. You know they’re just wrong. They don’t know who you are. They don’t pay your bills. So don’t waste your time, and also don’t waste a spot in your brain and heart to even think about it. Just because you do your own laundry instead of taking it to the nearest launderette doesn’t mean that you’re stingy. Got it???

You need to be humble. You don’t have to specify your daily expenses to them. You don’t have to tell the world you pay IDR 900K just for a shoe. Or IDR 300K just for a pajamas –though they will know now after you wrote this– But you just don’t have to spill it into their face. They will never understand. And WILL still find another reasons to tell that you’re still cheap. Beside that it doesn’t do any good to you.

Once I read a quote ‘If you expect the world to be fair with you because you’re fair, you’re fooling yourself. That’s like expecting the lion not to eat you just because you didn’t eat him’ and I say amen to that quote. Though it is damn hard to live it.

I am a kind of person who let what is inside my head out. I think after I speak. I have a small amount of friends. And I am ok with it. I just don’t like when people are pretending to be fond of something when they are not. I don’t like people who will do anything for other’s sake while they’re own life are at stake. That’s why I don’t like people who pretend that they like me when the fact is they just can’t stand of me. So I am completely ok with my very tiny small circle of friends. But these people are the ones who take me as who I am. Who are able to spit bad words at me when I do bad things. Who will drag me to crawl back in track when life gets rough and I decide to give up. The ones that I love so much.

 

I guess I wasn’t there when God share a good heart to human being He’s about to create. But I swear I bust my ass to keep up with the people who have those in their gen. I help people who look like they need a help. I yell at people a lot also. Sooo…I guess I am not a good hearted person. But trust me. I am trying.

-m-