[STILL] Dangerously in Love

This was neither an overnight thinking nor an overnight decision. It was years of process that unfortunately came with this conclusion. We broke up. There are no us anymore. Yes…I’m talking about the same man I wrote on my previous post. We gave up. And that’s when I start walking on my gloomy days.

Day 1 and Day 2 :

Spend two nights on my girlfriends’ house. Have a little chit chat about my broken heart. A bit tears. Another tears on my sleep. But I am fine –at least I thought I am fine–

Day 3 :

Back home to my empty room and the pain already find its gut to start crawl over my skin.

Day 4 :

It was Sunday as I recall. And just stare at my un-ringing phone for the whole 24 hours.

Day 5 :

First day to office –or so called office– facing everyone with empty smile.

Day 6 :

Call my Dad to share the whole story.

Day 7 :

Still no news from him.

Day 8 :

S**t sweep right through my life and realize more than ever that he’s the only one I had to calm me down when I get hysterical about something.

Day 9 :

Get furious to him, since I’m always there whenever he needs me. I am under the biggest burden ever, and I don’t have his arms to hold me and his fingers to run through my hair anymore.

Day 10 :

Have a goodbye rafting with my friends and had almost lot of fun.

Day 11 :

*Damn!! Need to change my passwords into a NON-HIM passwords..

Day 12 :

Dying to pick up my phone to say ‘how are you today?’.

Day 13 :

Erasing every marks on my calendar that says “ANNIVERSARY”, “DINNER FOR CHRISTMAS”, “BEER TO SPARK OUR NEW YEAR’S EVE RESOLUTION”, “HIS BIRTHDAY SURPRISE PARTY”, “HIS MOM’S BIRTHDAY”, “PARTY AT HIS PLACE”, “PICKING HIM UP AT THE AIRPORT”, etc, etc.

Day 14 :

Decide to find new calendar since too many marks to erase.

Day 15 :

Recall every memory I share with him in everything I see.

Day 16 :

Packing for the moving, and spend hours to decide whether I should bring stuff he gave me or not. And it really did hurt.

Day 17 :

I move to a brand new place and suppose to have a brand new start for everything yet after hours of thinking I still bring the memories and his presents with me.

Day 18 :

One of my girlfriends is legally dating someone new. Good for her. Not too good for me.

Day 19 :

He calls!!

Day 20 :

He’s having a great time with his family. It hurts so bad that I can’t even breathe knowing that I’m not part of his life anymore.

Day 21 :

My mom and dad bought me some stuff to accessorize my new place for living, and the color of every stuff they bought is accidentally green. –green is his favorite color, and I’m in the stage of trying to put that color outside of my mind–

Day 22 :

Got a message from his sister to stay away from his life for his own sake. Then I realize that he was or still is the center of my universe.

Day 23 :

Reading books about letting go, and find that it’s just bunch bull s**t.

Day 24 :

My cousin’s wedding. Not really a great place to be at when your heart is not in a good shape.

Day 25 :

He is enjoying life. Having a nice picnic with his family and friends. And I’m happy for him.

Day 26 :

Miss him like crazy that I can’t even control my tears. I cry on my mom’s lap. And realize it’s been years since the last time I have my mom’s hands to rub my back.

Day 27 :

My best friend sends me delicious pictures to cheer me up.

Day 28 :

John Mayer’s When You’re Dreaming with a Broken Heart is played at the place I work. What a not so good coincidence.

Day 29 :

Reading THE books about letting go again and starts to learn to let go.

Today :

Just read one of his statuses on a social network “I’ll always there. For her” and I burst into tears. And realize I haven’t got a chance to cry cats and dogs about my break up.

So it’s been a month - and STILL…I want to look into his deep eyes - and doing nothing - and just feel home.

Maria