Delusional disorder is an uncommon psychiatric condition in which patients present with circumscribed symptoms of non-bizarre delusions, but with the absence of prominent hallucinations and no thought disorder, mood disorder, or significant flattening effect. For the diagnosis to be made, auditory and visual hallucinations cannot be prominent, though olfactory or tactile hallucinations related to the content of the delusion may be present. –Wikipedia–
Its having voices you don’t want to hear echoing in your brain. It’s hearing things that doesn’t even there. The feeling? Must be horrible, scared, confused, weak, all together. People who never live the experience will never know how it would feel. Me neither. But I do know how it feels to have your love one living with it. You don’t see sparks in their eyes or hear love in their voice anymore. You’ll be missing the smile that makes you in love with them.
My boyfriend has it. He the one who put colors, joy, happiness, and lots of love in my life has it. It happened very sudden about two years ago. He got freak out about things near him. Telling us that there were some strange voices inside his head. He spent almost 3 weeks in hospital. Got so weak and can’t even talk, he’s just not been him self at that moment, and so was I. I got furious to any kind of other’s happiness. Cursing every happiness messenger who crossed my path. Because when sadness cast away my happiness through this without any permission, then I decided that the world needs to grieve with me. Keep asking THE ‘why is this happening’ question that I know would never have an answer. Among millions of people in this planet WHY him? Among millions of couples WHY us? And among millions of diseases found WHY it?
It’s tiring because it’s sucking your energy and every drop of it. You’re watching your built dreams collapse and there is nothing you can do about it. Back to one of my million dollar questions again, shall we? Why him? It’s not because of my selfishness that I’m asking why my boyfriend? –well at first that was all it was all about– but now my question change into why him, a man with so many dreams, so many energy, bunch of massive creativity.
When you think that this disease are not spread you are definitely wrong. It is spread. People around us got also hallucinated that my boyfriend is not good enough to be with, to be near them anymore. They pity him; get so focused to their own thought that he’s no longer somebody. Many of our best friends or “so called” best friends left us. And my Dad unfortunately got also infected. It’s sad to watch people who used to be in love with such a wonderful man as he is, is now change against him. ‘We have each other and that’s a lot’ said him. Even though there are many times we almost surrender on this fight. Mostly me. No matter how hard I stand on my own foot tried not to get swept away by a thought that there is no good anymore in this relationship, there are moments when I feel like giving up and just throw the burden away from my shoulder.
He got better, and I mean A LOT better. The smile with warm eyes and a “I love you babe” look are in the house again. He’s back, though sometimes there are moments when he needs space for his own. He even got a job. He fights a lot, been through a lot, and he survived. Thank God for that. Hope the world will change also, back like it used to be. And understand that there are still a lot of good things going on in this relationship.
We want to tell the world that this might seems like the end of the world but it’s not –though it’s too damn hard to admit that– He told me to write about him on my blog, that maybe others like him would magically read and they will know that they are not alone, and still it took me more than 2 years to have the gut.
Thanks to our true best friends, my girl friends, my sister who’s always been there with us for so long, even when some of them don’t know what really happen yet. Now you know, and please don’t change.
He taught me a lot of things during his fight and one of the most important lesson he generously share with me is to never lose hope even when you don’t see light anymore. I just wanna say to you that I know you’re exhausted in there but please don’t give up. Just don’t give up on us.
iloveu
Maria
