When Maria is Not Margaretha Prasudayanti

People say live up your imagination so at least you’ll have some place to run when you feel like enough in your real life.

In real life I work for ministry of finance in my country and placed in a suburb area. My daily routines sometimes driving me nuts. I am single. I rent a room in the city I live where all this imagination also takes part.

So as I’ve told before, I don’t have lot of girlfriends. But I do have complete enough girlfriend to fulfill any of the circumstances I need to be at. When nice buts gentlemen pass my path I have someone to enjoy that kind of so called blessed. When I live in my imaginary world they all will happily join me.

In our imagination world we are a mother of two. My son is 7 years old named Banyu. And my little girl is 4 years old and her name is Nico (named after my favorite character in a TV serial). My husband’s name is Papa Banyu –so that would technically make me Mama Banyu–

We have incredible pets. My husband has Babooshka, a whale which always thinks that she’s slim enough to be a chameleon. So she would’ve asked us to paint her with different color whenever she sees any object that she likes. Nico has a cute giant sea turtle she calls Bigo. Like Babooshka, Bigo also has an odd thought about his existence. He is obsessed to be a backstroke swimmer –can you imagine that?!?– and last but not least, my little boy has a beautiful-amazing-noisy-never stop pooing– peacock which he calls Hombre –my family really does obsessed by peculiar pets; wait ‘till you visit my friend’s house and found a baboon as her pet–

I and Mama Ello –that’s my friend’s alias in this imagination town– live in a beautiful housing area. My house is 7 acres width –so it’s able to provide a very comfortable pool for Babooshka and Bigo; and a wide enough park for Hombre–

So this is exactly what we do as our imaginary daily activities:

1. We own the neighborhoods. So we pick nice and yummy gentlemen ONLY; to be our neighbor
2. We walk the kids to their school while they’re riding their bicycles.
3. On Wednesday and Friday we took the kids to their 'Pencak Silat' class.
4. On Monday I took Nico to her swimming practice.
5. On Thursday we took the boys to their soccer practice.
6. We sent our kids to South Africa to be the player escort for the 2010 world cup.
7. When we get bored we will sent the kids somewhere and traveling to Bogota.

  

What a life imagination!!!

I’ll turn 28 by the end of this week by the way. And I still don’t have the answer for a question I should’ve answer million of years ago.

‘What is your life purpose?’

So what is mine? I want to live a happy life; naaaaayyy that’s too general. I want to be rich; that’s also still not something. I want to do things I like; see where I’m stuck now? I wanna get married; I don’t…not now. I want to pursue a carrier; I still don’t see any carrier for now. I want to be a writer; sometimes my imagination left my head empty. I want to have my master degree; can I still do that when I already left my brain someplace else? I want to run a business; this is probably already making my future business partner to get on her nerves. I want to go abroad; just realize it needs lots of money. I want to be a success woman; it’s hard when you don’t know what kind of success you want to accomplish.

What do I want then?

I don’t even know how to describe what I feel lately. I thought I’m fine. But I guess not yet fine. Things which have happened in my past suddenly crawl over the air again. There’s just so many I haven’t done which I should’ve done. I have no idea where I am now. I am able to start to feel comfy with my new life but then I start to feel another uncomfortable feeling. I am happy at one time but then I could cry cats and dogs in my room. I feel brave and care for nothing but then I feel worry of everything. I stick on my belief but then suddenly I start to lose my confident. I start to make myself sure that I am ready to settle down with someone I love and loves me but how can I do that if I haven’t feel complete myself? Do I want my imagination become reality so I can live the perfect life I always dream? No I don’t, that imagination life is too perfect. And beside that if that imagination comes alive, what else do I have when I get tired of my real life?

I will admit it. I am scare of my life. I am scare of what will or won’t happen tomorrow. I do feel insecure. The truth is this blog is the only thing I have as my delightful escape. Where I can do something I really like and enjoy with all my heart.

I even tried to have holidays with my girlfriends and I didn’t enjoy it. There’re just too many things in my mind right now. I eat a lot but I don’t gain any weight –trust me this isn’t good; this happened once for really not a good reason–. My heart is aching for some reason but I don’t know what. Happy stories my girlfriends generously share are the only thing which really could make my day.

D**n it!! What is happening?

I am just not being myself lately. And when this happens; believe me I can be a real bitch to people around me. People I love and I care a lot. I talk shit when someone shares a story. I just hate everybody –well this is not something new :p, but I hate everybody even more–

So this is really a time to let go everything isn’t it? To God. To life. To faith. Once my friend here quotes the Bible, that we are here for some reasons, that we are neither an accident nor a mistake. I guess that also includes me right? So I’m here not because of God has just accidentally slipped his hands and voila here I am. I know He does have a reason for every decision He made. I said a little pray last night and I am bit enlighten. Thank God.

So, no need to fear about tomorrow. I’ve just decided to let go. Tomorrow is just another Wednesday in a uniform. And I swear to God I will make it a nice Wednesday *crossmyfingeronit

-Maria-