Neither To Be Ignored Nor To Be Allowed To Interfere Too Much

I live in an era where you can wash your hands and make them germ free without any soap and water; that when you clap your hands one time you can turn on the light in your room and when you clap it two times you can flush your toilet.

When I have kids I want them to be an astronaut where they can literally put their footsteps on the moon and to find every reasonable explanation what is going on in places other than the earth, I want them to be a doctor where they can provide scientific solution for every human body condition even when they’re spitting nails. I always want scientific explanation for everything –even just a boyfriend coming late; scientific explanation is still required–

But somehow; somewhat; sometimes I am superstitious.

It’s hard to not think that superstition things are exist when you live in a tradition where I come from. We count birth date of a couple who wants to get married to determine their wedding date. My grandmother burned my favorite blue jean to repel bad luck because that jean was the one I wore when I fell from my motorbike which causes a small tiny little injury on my left ankle. When there is any eyelash falling out we consider it as someone out there is missing us then I would pick them and put it on my hair so the person who misses me will miss me eternally.

Just a couple of weeks ago I found out that my best friend’s mom was diagnosed for a pancreas tumor. The night before she had her surgery I dreamt that I lost one of my front teeth in which it would be interpreted as the dreamer will face someone’s death. And I swear it felt so real. I got freak out and called my boyfriend which he didn’t pick up; I texted my friend which he didn’t text me back; I called my sister and she also didn’t pick up the phone. I got scared even more. But it was nothing, not even a hint. Because I forgot the fact that I called and texted them on 3 AM in the morning and it was a weekday..ha..ha..

So everybody is fine, my mom and dad are fine, my sister is fine, people that I care are fine, the surgery went well. Thank God. And hopefully the surgery will do just fine for her.

I haven’t said a lot of prayer lately. Which I know that will always be the reason I’m having the irrational thought. I got scared of tiny little unimportant things, because I don’t have a strong enough barrier for my faith. That I would easily sweep by my own thought which most of the time I found that I always have a bizarre way of thinking.

Don’t ignore them too selfishly. Just use them as a warning for the path you will choose. But have faith that He’s up there watching and never sleeps. Besides that, we have to admit that it always fun to say “It’s a sign!” isn’t it?

-maria-

Crazy Little Thing Called Me

So lately :

1. There’s just too many things going on in my head
2. I’m furious to a huge number of small things 
3. It feels like I wanna get out of myself just to see am I really being awkward as everybody says or it’s just them 
4. The feeling of ‘I need to be good so I can be legally cocky’ get even stronger 
5. I’m dying for girlfriends who can slap me in the face and tell me that I’m acting bitch and need to change 
6. I don’t fit my environment 
7. I clean up –how messy is that?!?– 
8. I forget when was the last time I had my goodnight sleep 
9. I’m broke 
10. I cancelled my karaoke time 
11. I lost my wedding gut again 
12. I want to have my own vehicle 
13. I cry more than ever 
14. I don’t have any new pair of shoes for the pass NINE FREAKING MONTHS 
15. I don’t have any new bags for ALSO nine freaking months –correction. I had new bag last month. But it was a GIIIIFFFFTTT– 
16. My monthly period has gone but the PMS still attached to me 
17. I start to care about others but then 5 minutes after that I found out that others don’t give a s**t about me so then I hate myself for doing that 
18. I need to be selfish again 
19. Awry is the best word to describe my feeling for everything 
20. I dream of a finance minister but my effort is even lower than the 5^th grade 
21. I beg for a better task. But when it comes I beg my boss to take it back 
22. I do still think that other is stupid  but the truth is I am
23. I got confused on a simple mathematical explanation but when I finally get it at the end of the 100^th explanation I still think that the mistake is on the formula AND the presenter. Just not me 
24. I scream my thought too loud 
25. I am still not being able to join the ‘social smiler’ group. I don’t smile when I found that there is no reason for me to smile at any occasion even when I need to impress someone 
26. I HATE. I mean this. I HATE the words ‘NEVER MIND’ a lot!! 
27. I hate people who’s being ignorance to what happen around them 
28. I dream of impossible. I want the world to have the same page in mind as I am 
29. I don’t call home for weeks 
30. To conclude all those points: I’m a real life pain in the ass 

-m-

I heard it and It Slaps Me in the Face

1.    We learnt something about human behavior that day. You feel sad when your friend fails. But when your friend succeed you’ll feel even more sad –3 Idiots–

It’s just that I always get everybody’s attention probably since the very first time I enter this world. That’s why any creature on this earth that doesn’t give a damn on me needs to be vanquished. And trust me this isn’t nice. I don’t celebrate my friends’ success. I weep when someone could make a better orange juice than me. I say ‘I’m sorry to hear that’ to someone but somehow my heart smile. That’s evil and disgusting.

2.    Nothing more precious than a friendship that endures. –Mary Alice Young–

I agree. I just lost a girlfriend. My mistake. She said she was relieving that she can find new friends to replace the old ones. And it broke my heart. I really don’t wanna be just somebody she used to know. I once called her a couple of days ago and the conversation just went not quite as usual.

3.    Never Extend Any Errors

I quote that from Om Felix. He said that that is the main ingredient if you want to have a long lasting relationship. And I don’t do such a thing like that. I extend every error. Every tiny little flaw my partner did. I close my eyes with one flaw that I couldn’t see thousands of amazing things he has ever done for me. I remember when he cancelled our appointment to go to this new laundry around the neighborhood every single second I have with him, but I totally forget when he made me bread toast and put it on my office desk for my Monday breakfast, when he instantly slid down from his floor to mine to bring me mineral water and tissue because I just texted him that my floor has ran out of water and toilet paper, when he calls and just made my day. And I am totally a b***h for that. I’m deeply sorry.

4.    When it comes to relationship I don’t enter it. I’m riding it. –Lynette Scavo–

I do that. I’m a control freak. And unfortunately for my partner I bring that bad habit along with me on a relationship. That God may help him when he’s having a disagreement with me. I get ballistic whenever my desire isn’t being fulfilled. And I don’t even bother to listen to what he wants when it’s not what I want.

5.    Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy you a very nice pair of shoes that will make you happy. –Some commercial in a shopping arcade–

Couldn’t agree more!!!

I’m not proud of THIS part of myself –I mean except quote number 5 of course– And I’m sorry for everyone that has passed with this shape of Maria. I truly am.

Now I realize that I’m not the only citizen of this planet; that I live with and will surely need someone else; that I would like to see happiness in the eyes of someone I love and not just the ‘you gotta be kidding me’ kind of look. There’s just so many great things people have generously do for me, which bring joy and things I need –even when it’s just a warm nice giant fat comforting bear hug– I thank you all. Just wish me luck on this transformation will you. :D

-maria-