When Maria is Not Margaretha Prasudayanti

People say live up your imagination so at least you’ll have some place to run when you feel like enough in your real life.

In real life I work for ministry of finance in my country and placed in a suburb area. My daily routines sometimes driving me nuts. I am single. I rent a room in the city I live where all this imagination also takes part.

So as I’ve told before, I don’t have lot of girlfriends. But I do have complete enough girlfriend to fulfill any of the circumstances I need to be at. When nice buts gentlemen pass my path I have someone to enjoy that kind of so called blessed. When I live in my imaginary world they all will happily join me.

In our imagination world we are a mother of two. My son is 7 years old named Banyu. And my little girl is 4 years old and her name is Nico (named after my favorite character in a TV serial). My husband’s name is Papa Banyu –so that would technically make me Mama Banyu–

We have incredible pets. My husband has Babooshka, a whale which always thinks that she’s slim enough to be a chameleon. So she would’ve asked us to paint her with different color whenever she sees any object that she likes. Nico has a cute giant sea turtle she calls Bigo. Like Babooshka, Bigo also has an odd thought about his existence. He is obsessed to be a backstroke swimmer –can you imagine that?!?– and last but not least, my little boy has a beautiful-amazing-noisy-never stop pooing– peacock which he calls Hombre –my family really does obsessed by peculiar pets; wait ‘till you visit my friend’s house and found a baboon as her pet–

I and Mama Ello –that’s my friend’s alias in this imagination town– live in a beautiful housing area. My house is 7 acres width –so it’s able to provide a very comfortable pool for Babooshka and Bigo; and a wide enough park for Hombre–

So this is exactly what we do as our imaginary daily activities:

1. We own the neighborhoods. So we pick nice and yummy gentlemen ONLY; to be our neighbor
2. We walk the kids to their school while they’re riding their bicycles.
3. On Wednesday and Friday we took the kids to their 'Pencak Silat' class.
4. On Monday I took Nico to her swimming practice.
5. On Thursday we took the boys to their soccer practice.
6. We sent our kids to South Africa to be the player escort for the 2010 world cup.
7. When we get bored we will sent the kids somewhere and traveling to Bogota.

  

What a life imagination!!!

I’ll turn 28 by the end of this week by the way. And I still don’t have the answer for a question I should’ve answer million of years ago.

‘What is your life purpose?’

So what is mine? I want to live a happy life; naaaaayyy that’s too general. I want to be rich; that’s also still not something. I want to do things I like; see where I’m stuck now? I wanna get married; I don’t…not now. I want to pursue a carrier; I still don’t see any carrier for now. I want to be a writer; sometimes my imagination left my head empty. I want to have my master degree; can I still do that when I already left my brain someplace else? I want to run a business; this is probably already making my future business partner to get on her nerves. I want to go abroad; just realize it needs lots of money. I want to be a success woman; it’s hard when you don’t know what kind of success you want to accomplish.

What do I want then?

I don’t even know how to describe what I feel lately. I thought I’m fine. But I guess not yet fine. Things which have happened in my past suddenly crawl over the air again. There’s just so many I haven’t done which I should’ve done. I have no idea where I am now. I am able to start to feel comfy with my new life but then I start to feel another uncomfortable feeling. I am happy at one time but then I could cry cats and dogs in my room. I feel brave and care for nothing but then I feel worry of everything. I stick on my belief but then suddenly I start to lose my confident. I start to make myself sure that I am ready to settle down with someone I love and loves me but how can I do that if I haven’t feel complete myself? Do I want my imagination become reality so I can live the perfect life I always dream? No I don’t, that imagination life is too perfect. And beside that if that imagination comes alive, what else do I have when I get tired of my real life?

I will admit it. I am scare of my life. I am scare of what will or won’t happen tomorrow. I do feel insecure. The truth is this blog is the only thing I have as my delightful escape. Where I can do something I really like and enjoy with all my heart.

I even tried to have holidays with my girlfriends and I didn’t enjoy it. There’re just too many things in my mind right now. I eat a lot but I don’t gain any weight –trust me this isn’t good; this happened once for really not a good reason–. My heart is aching for some reason but I don’t know what. Happy stories my girlfriends generously share are the only thing which really could make my day.

D**n it!! What is happening?

I am just not being myself lately. And when this happens; believe me I can be a real bitch to people around me. People I love and I care a lot. I talk shit when someone shares a story. I just hate everybody –well this is not something new :p, but I hate everybody even more–

So this is really a time to let go everything isn’t it? To God. To life. To faith. Once my friend here quotes the Bible, that we are here for some reasons, that we are neither an accident nor a mistake. I guess that also includes me right? So I’m here not because of God has just accidentally slipped his hands and voila here I am. I know He does have a reason for every decision He made. I said a little pray last night and I am bit enlighten. Thank God.

So, no need to fear about tomorrow. I’ve just decided to let go. Tomorrow is just another Wednesday in a uniform. And I swear to God I will make it a nice Wednesday *crossmyfingeronit

-Maria-

W(/’dʌbəlju:/) Stands for Wedding

'Cause it's a beautiful night

We're looking for something dumb to do

Hey baby I think I wanna marry you

-Bruno Mars-

If it was as easy as the song lyrics above. Then I guess I would still not be married yet. I do dream of a wedding. But not for now. Being a wife, then being a mom, running a family, thinking of someone else other than yourself sound like opulence to me for now. Which I still don’t have a room for it in my brain yet. When I am surrounded by my marriage friends, hears their happy stories about their marriage life than yes I do want to get married as an NOW. But when I get back to my room and alone, then suddenly those desire vanished along with the air. That somehow I am enjoying my solitude.

Because marriage is not a bus route. That when you don’t like one route you can debark and change your route or you can take reroute if you think you’ve gone too far. Can’t do the same to your wedding, that when one day you feel that you are not in the mood anymore, sadly you can’t debark from your life and take the reverse route.

Last Saturday, I was alone with my TV watching my almost favorite TV serials. Accidentally everybody is getting married in those episodes of those serials. Wedding ping is the theme of the day I guessed. Nice-and-beautiful-and-cute-and-EASY-and-no need to bark to your parents about your future husband-and-no need to think about money-and-no need to get along with both families first-and-no need to collide with tradition-and-just smile-kind of wedding. THE movies kind of wedding. Then my wedding gut suddenly woken up.

I do want to get married. Badly. As I’ve said before. It’s just that it’s really hard to picturing this SEL to the FISH Maria in a place where she comes second and everything comes first. I know I don’t have to do everything alone. I have a spouse and he is supposed to be a partner in every spot in the house. I know ‘I will love you in sickness and health, in richer and poorer’ in our vow also includes cutting grass and put your dirty socks in order please!

I BELIEVE or let’s say I IMAGINE that I won’t have to do the dishes by my own, or make up the bed rooms alone, or vacuumed the carpets as if I’m in love with the vacuum cleaner, or cut the grass in the yard just accompanied by the scissors, or throw the garbage as if no one else would care, or clean up the bath room while my husband and children are watching TV. But at least I need to supervise it right? That’s what wives do. SU-PER-VISE. I need to make sure that everything’s done well. So how could I possibly do that if I still want to get up late on a lazy-beautiful-sunny-don’t need to meet your boss-no deadline-Saturdays or Sundays or other holidays? Because getting up late in those kind of days would be regarded as ‘me comes first’ category which is NOT GOOD when you are married to someone especially when you two have produced cute little babies who need you to get up early to take care of them.

What would it feel to have a husband? To love someone ‘till death do you apart? To eat, to sleep, to wake up, to watch TV, with exactly the same guy? Every single day. The guy who you hate when he snores; when he worship football match; when he’s in love with his computer; when he told you to get up early; when he hates your disorganized room; when he asked you to hang out with friends while you wanna drawn yourself in your warm blanket and a full set of DVDs. And this guy is also the guy who you love when he look deep into your eyes and say nothing and that is enough to make you feel special; when he is willingly sacrifice his diet to accompany you in a dinner; when he give cute candles on a valentines day; when he took you driving around the city until 4 o’clock in the morning just to hold you for not going on a trip without him; when he’s always there whenever you need him. It should be fun right? Instead of 2 you have 4 hands and 4 legs and instead of 1 you have 2 heads now –though one of my friends says that your problem is also doubled indeed–

I still don’t think I’m ready for a wedding. But I think I’ll start to prepare myself now. I’ll make my big day special. And the day after that much more special. I wanna make myself as the happiest wife on earth and vice versa. When that day come I don’t wanna look back and say –as most of my friends do– ‘I miss my single life’ *knockonthewood. I don’t wanna debark from my life and wishing I could take the reverse route. I wanna get married because I choose to be. Because the factor in my marriage is simply just me and my future husband and the willing of both of us to spend the rest of our lives together. Because something’s telling me that he’s the one. And because something’s telling me that I’m the one for him.

Days before today ‘Haven’t crossed my mind yet’ would always be the answer I gave whenever anyone asked me about wedding. But now, wedding? Weeeeeelllllll…ooookaaaaaayyy it is something to be put in my agenda and start to think to prepare the pennies.

Way to go girl!!

-m-

Growing an Old Friend

I do enjoy meeting people. Meeting my girlfriends. Stay up late for a chit chat. But I love my room and the “ME” time of mine even more.

I’d given my portion for social life and for my own life. When I need to step back I will step back. I know my limit. That’s why when my friends here decided to rent a house together I knew that it was the time when I need to drag myself from this so called socialization kind of thing. I know myself better than anyone. Selfish-less care-comments a lot-temperamental-sensitive-hygiene freak sometimes-messy for the whole time-kind of individual. There are times when I can’t deal with my own self. So how could I expect someone who I just knew for couple of months to deal with my strange behavior for 24/7?

I don’t do friends maintenance. I forget almost all of my friends’ birthday –some even bother to remind me to say happy birthday to them the day before their birthday…but ya’ll do know that I do love you right? I just forget :p–, even when they have special date such as January 1^st –I even almost forget my mom’s birthday for God sake– So my friendship has its own time limit. I make friends only when I am on the timeline. After I finish elementary school I leave my elementary school friends or so called best friends behind. And so on. So when there are friends I still have now from the timeline before today that’s what I call God’s mercy. I still have someone who’s still willing to hear my unstoppable mouth and they are still stick with me. And the fact that I don’t wanna let them go it’s because I don’t wanna lose these unbelievable creatures who can accept me for who I am and who can be accepted by me for who they are.

This timeline I’m living right now is full of magic. I am surrounded by the most loving human being I have ever met in my entire life. They work in the same office. They live under the same roof. Sometimes they eat in the same restaurant. They hang out in the same spot. It’s like they’re married to each other –they are all guys by the way– They take care of each other. Someone’s matter is everybody’s matter. It is amusing watching this brotherhood. Really make you wish you could have that kind of thing.

     

    God is having plan for every path we’re on. We all notice it. And I know that this is one of them. God probably starts to feel that He needs to re-polish my humanity side. To be surrounded by this people really does make me less alien than before. I welcome guests in my room on holiday. And I enjoyed it. I even welcome a girlfriend who wants to spend her weekend –and by this I mean half Friday, whole Saturday and half Sunday– in my room. This is normal right? But normally…….I don’t do this.

    As my best friend says that there are categories for friends: (I’ve mixed this with my own formula)

1. When they are sacrificing their time and ears to hear your never-ending stories with unconditional love –by this I mean no sighing……*ok fine!! And no eyes rolling, viewpoint changing or looking at my finger and toe nails (yes I note it girl! Thank you very much)–, then they are best friends.
2. When they brighten your gloomy working hours but you only want to be around them on working hours only; then it is obvious that they are a co-worker. –a quite nice one–
3. When they start to make the words ‘PLIS DEH!!’ cross our brain but they are still needed to meet your quota so you can get lower price for a holiday package then a ‘just common friends‘ category they are.
4. When they start to talk and make all eyes and ears not on you anymore then they just made them self downgraded into an ‘I don’t like her!’ category. –Why it’s always her?–
5. When they starts to talk crap and sweating about something that irritating you –yes this includes writing pain in the ass statuses on social networks– then they just made them self included into the lowest level as just ‘someone I knew from the past’ category.

I know these people here know no friends category. But their friendship also knows no timeline. And I learnt that that’s exactly a factor that put more color to your life.

From an out of nowhere place I never thought I would find such a warm feeling this way. I found a new girlfriend and a guyfriend here. And surprisingly I can share any stories with these newcomers in my life. So now, I have a far far away and a walking distance girlfriends and guyfriend to listen to every thought and stories of mine with a look of their eyes that says ‘I know what you’ve been through girl!’ and that really means a lot. And that also feel PEACEFUL.

-Maria-